What We Don’t See in Relationships: Blind Spots, Rank, and Double Signals.

Today I want to talk about three topics that are intertwined: blind spots, rank, and double signals.

When you drive a car, an important part of the process is knowing its blind spots. This protects you and protects other drivers. We know the car has blind spots, and there are several options for managing them: adjusting the mirrors, turning your head to look over your shoulder, using convex mirrors to widen the field of vision, or using electronic systems that alert you visually or audibly. Can you believe how many options exist?

And I think they exist precisely because we never doubt that the blind spots are there.

With humans and relationships, the first step is also recognizing that in every interaction there are blind spots. That simple acknowledgment can help us live with greater fullness and flow. If we are in denial, we can create very few options.

Lately, I’ve been fascinated by reading Arnold Mindell, founder of Process Work. Over the past year, I’ve reflected a lot on power and discovered that in Process Work there is a concept called rank.

Rank is the amount of power or privilege a person has in a specific context. It includes social, psychological, structural, and spiritual power. Mindell says that we are often unaware of our own rank, and that this lack of awareness can create conflict.

I believe my life has unfolded in a way that allows me to notice those unconscious corners and bring them into consciousness—first through yoga, alone on my mat, and now through Nonviolent Communication, in relationship with others. I don’t mean to imply that I’m perfect at this; only that I’ve tried, throughout my life, to look at those hidden places, and that this kind of awareness matters deeply to me.

Mindell distinguishes several types of rank:

• Social: education, money, networks, appearance, mobility.

• Psychological: inner safety, emotional stability, self-confidence.

• Structural: roles, leadership, formal authority.

• Spiritual or inner: presence, intuition, inner center.

Interestingly, Mindell connects rank with blind spots. He says we tend to notice other people’s rank, but not the rank we ourselves exercise.

Some ways we can notice blind spots include when:

• we minimize the impact of our words,

• we assume our way of seeing the world is “normal,”

• we take our skills, emotional education, or inner resources for granted.

There is a role that power and rank play in conflict, and recognizing it is essential. Over-identifying leaves us with guilt; acknowledging it allows us to move differently and perhaps become more creative and recover our agency.

For me, it has been a blessing to accompany other people’s conflicts, because I can see how rank and other conditions create completely different realities within the same situation.

I also experience this in my personal life: rank determines how safe, heard, or legitimized a person feels in a space. I lived this when I moved from being a consultant to an employee, and when I became a migrant. I was the same person, but my rank changed, and with it, the safety, listening, and legitimacy I perceived. I remember feeling totally vulnerable and defenseless. And when my brother visited me, he had to remind me the strong woman that I am (in my own country).

I would have loved to have the awareness I have now. The truth is that my focus is increasingly on the theme of belonging—belonging heals what neither the clinical nor the political can reach. But that will be a topic for another article.

Two people can be living the same event but in completely different worlds. Has this happened to you?

• One person “just shares an opinion,” but for another it can feel like an imposition.

• What feels “normal” to one person can feel threatening to another.

• What is easy to talk about for one person can feel risky or vulnerable for another.

When we begin to notice that our experience is NOT universal, a new space opens in the mind and in the relationship.

“People with different ranks do not live in the same world, even if they are in the same room.” (The Deep Democracy of Open Forums, 2002) People that try to solve this with self development or willingness have huge blind spots. And normally, people with lower rank are alone and without the buffer of belonging.

Double Signals

In Process Work, a double signal occurs when a person sends two different messages at the same time: one conscious and one unconscious. Mindell says that these contradictory messages create confusion, tension, and misunderstandings because people don’t know which message to respond to. According to Mindell, there are two types:

1. Verbal – nonverbal

This happens when what you say and how you say it don’t match.

Examples:

• You say “I’m fine,” but your voice is flat,

• You say “I want to listen to you,” but look away.

• You say “It doesn’t bother me,” but clench your jaw.

The primary signal is conscious; the secondary signal is involuntary. (The Dreambody in Relationships, 1987)

2. Intrapsychic (between inner roles or parts)

This type is more subtle. It occurs when one part of you wants something and another part is afraid or resistant… and both show up in your communication. There is desire, resistance, and vulnerability at the same time.

Examples:

• You want to set a boundary, but your tone becomes unsure.

• You want to ask for something, but your body pulls back.

• You want to be firm, but your smile conveys appeasement.

The mind says one thing, the body says another, and the emotion says something else.(Working with the Dreaming Body, 1984)

An example: you ask someone to express themselves more, but when they do, you respond aggressively because you disagree with what they said.

Relationship Between Rank and Double Signals

1. Unconscious rank produces double signals without you noticing

When a person has more rank (social, psychological, structural, or internal), they may send contradictory messages because they:

• believe they are being clear when they’re not,

• underestimate their impact,

• don’t notice the tension or fear in others.

Example:

A leader says, “You can speak freely” (conscious signal), but their rigid posture conveys “I’m in control” (unconscious signal).

Rank makes the primary signal heavier and the secondary one invisible… to the person who holds the rank.

2. Low rank makes people more sensitive to double signals

People with less rank tend to:

• perceive contradictory signals more quickly,

• feel unsafe because they don’t know which message to respond to,

• experience confusion or withdrawal.

Mindell says relationships become tense when the person with more rank does not see their own double signals.(Sitting in the Fire, 1995)

3. Double signals reveal rank blind spots

Blind spots appear when:

the conscious message comes from your high-rank role, and the unconscious message comes from a fear, vulnerability, or secondary part you haven't acknowledged.

4. Double signals as a doorway into seeing your rank

In Process Work, double signals are clues that reveal hidden rank:

• Which part of me is speaking with more power than I realize?

• Which part is trying to say something but I suppress?

• What shows through my body or my energy?

Double signals show where you have power — and where you don’t see it.

Exercise: The Invisible Rank Map

This exercise helps you discover rank blind spots — places where you have more power than you think, and which affect how you relate.

1. Name the situation

Think of a recent interaction where there was tension, distance, or confusion.

Ask yourself:

• What was happening?

• With whom?

• What did I really want?

Write only 3–4 lines.

2. Locate your rank in 4 dimensions

Draw four columns and ask in each:

a) Social rank, Did I have more education, access, resources, or status than the other person?

b) Psychological rank, Did my inner safety give me more voice or clarity?

c) Structural rank, Did my role give me authority?

d) Internal/spiritual rank, Was I more centered or connected to myself?

Mark ✔️ where you had more rank than you realized. You may have more rank in some dimensions and less in others.

For example, when I used this exercise with a situation with my mother: I had more rank in the first two dimensions, she had more in the third, and in that moment neither of us had much internal rank.

This is usually where blind spots appear…

3. Identify the clash of realities

As Mindell says: “People with different ranks do not live the same world, even if they are in the same room.”

Ask yourself:

• How did I experience the situation?

• How might the other person have experienced it, from their rank?

Write two short paragraphs: my reality / their reality.

4. Find the blind spot

Answer:

• What part of my rank was I not seeing?

• What impact might it have had on the other person?

• What shifts now that I recognize it?

5. Close with compassionate responsibility

“The greatest danger of rank is its invisibility to the one who has it.”(Power, 1992)

To close, write a sentence such as:

“I acknowledge that in this situation I had rank in ____ and I wasn’t seeing it.”

“Next time I can use that rank to create more safety, clarity, or space.”

When we become aware of our own power and use it in service of the relationship, we all become more empowered and generate greater trust and collaboration.

Claudia Sanchez

Life & Wellness Coach

Certified Nonviolent Communication Trainer

www.comunicacionplena.com

info@comunicacionplena.com

+573196500685

The Garden I go to think and feel.